Knowing that you weren't born good looking or with a decent figure, one would normally rely more on friends, hoping we could attain even more attention in friendship.
I always constantly remind myself to know where i stand and make sure i don't cross over the line. But i can't, sometimes i really can't. Because sometimes i thought i was quite important to somebody but in another moment i feel like a piece of shit.
Back in primary school, i always refrained myself from talking too much to others, especially the boys. Because i knew how bad it fucking hurts when you thought you have friends and people in turn called you names like 'fatass' or in chinese '肥猪'. It hurts a lot, the feeling is like your heart is burning, aching, that super uncomfortable feeling that just allow your tears to flow down like running crap tap. It is like some fucked up people made you happy flying being friends with you, then they dragged you down hell calling you names no one could tolerate. So if my friends, who were actually quite curious of why i didn't like talking much to strangers especially the opposite sex, this is why lol, i mean things got better now of course. After experiencing this shit as young as a primary 1 kid when i was a complete loner plus shit teachers often scolded me for being a busy-body otherwise talkative. Fuck you honestly i didn't even have friends to talk to. It hurts super bad because in primary 1 i didn't have friends at all, people were avoiding me or didn't like talking to me. Self blaming my looks and figure again. Being young who wants to be best friend with a fatass seriously lol.
I made my first good friend in primary 3 but i didn't cherish her lol. I actually thought she was quite easy to bully what the fuck sorry i know i am super cocked up here but that was my first good friend after being a loner for 2 years. Some psychological shit stuff i would say to cover up my cocky side lol.
Then i made more friends in primary 5, that was when friends slowly entered my life. I finally had decent friends who didn't call me names. Well everyone knows the friends do judge but as long as they don't say it, it's fine right? That was also when my first friendship problem happened. Now that i stopped having friendship problems for years until recently some really shitty things happened that made me feel like crap lol, i would say friendship problems are such a chore. Super tiring thinking nonsenses to argue with your friend.
Primary 6 passed like a breeze with the help of my form teacher and even better and more friends. I was completely into this friends thing. Because family was like shit back then, many biased kind of thing happened. My mom doted my bro more, my dad doted my sist more, my grandma doted my bro more, my grandpa doted my sist more. My siblings got restaurant kind of food for dinner for their birthdays and i spent like 3 consecutive years ordering only KFC meal delivery for my birthdays. Even till now this thing still happens just that my parents showed me more love (comes with hardwork and tolerance ok!) Just like this year when it was my birthday, my mom invited my grandparents to come for dinner at my home with us. Then my grandparents gave me red packet of 60 dollars. My grandma actually told me that my grandpa was quite frustrated because he thought i shouldn't get this amount at my age. Fuck man, i am sixteen..... not six. Then i thought okay... maybe he was right. Then it was my brother's birthday when i realised he received much more, so i thought okay maybe he is older and needed more. It was until recently when i realised my grandpa gave my sister 50 dollars and super reluctant to get it back. The purpose of the 50 dollars was for my sister to buy a meal for herself. Who the fuck needs 50 dollars for a meal....
Much more biased kind of cases to say... too much. Why would i say my parents showered me more love this few years? Because at secondary school years when people were all eager to spend more time with their friends, everyday after school, i went home. My life was school and home, school and home except during secondary 1 lol. Because i knew if i wanted more attention, i had to become better. In primary 5 i was so bad my mother had to kneel down to beg me to be better and my family hated me to the core lol... And also i knew i couldn't achieve any good academic results so the only way is to be good. I even volunteered to get myself tutors to improve myself i mean seriously i hate tuition so much like i hate school lol because it hurts quite bad that i got lowest in class for maths for a few times that i feel that my maths teacher kind of dislike me too haha lol. And it hurts even more bad that when you got good results and shared your joy, your friends called you to stop lying to them.
Today my sister gave me a slap and got whacked so badly by my mom. She got whacked not because she slapped me in front of my mother but because she said vulgarities and when my mom warned her to stop, she replied 'i dont care' i mean seriously lol what a bitch. Then my mother said something that made quite an impact on me. She said, 'i have never seen a much more failure elder sister like you!'. Hurt so bad i cried so bad lol. Then she asked me to go out tomorrow with my sister i replied i don't have a sister. And when she said friends.... i stopped for a moment and told her i don't have friends too. Then i cried for no god damned reason......... Being weird is stupid lol
Gonna continue whenever i feel like it :(
Biography
Wenxin Limo. Leo.
